Ah, weddings. Blushing brides, pretty flowers, tearful moms, cute flower girls, charming speeches, open bars, morally flexible bridesmaids....we all know the drill. Adams-Hanger '09 promised, and then Adams-Hanger '09 delivered. Except for the morally flexible bridesmaids part. Which, quite frankly, I'm pretty happy about, considering that my younger sisters comprised half the bridal party.
But the glimpses of our wedding that you've seen in People and Us Weekly only tell half the story. Because you only see what we want you to see, I fear that there's just no way you could know the nitty-gritty details, the accidents, the tragedies, the folly that came along with this event. And since you've all shown such loyalty from the start, I think it's only fair to give you a glimpse of the seedy underbelly of Adams-Hanger '09.
Let's start with my ill-fated venture into men's cologne modeling. I think it was Vanity Fair that referred to this shot as "Recession for Men." Well screw you, Graydon Carter. I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for that tragic tie hang up...
Next we have maybe the saddest element of the whole thing... you look at this picture, and you see a ridiculously cute flower girl, being ridiculously cute, and getting some help from the crowd. But if you look at the bottom left corner, you see the problem: clearly, my mother forgot to wear pants. An understandable misstep, given how hectic wedding days can get, but nevertheless regrettable.
Here now, we see another chance I took that failed. OK! zeroed in on my head and asked "Was Trevor late for a casting of Rockstar: A Flock of Seagulls?" Perez was somewhat nicer, captioning with "Hanger....so hot right now." I thought the Mugatu reference was kind of flattering, actually. US Weekly, unfortunately, ran it next to a picture of Kate Gosselin's hair in a "Who Wore it Better?" feature, where I was predictably trounced 74%-26%. Oh sure, put me up against a woman who's husband just cheated on her in front of the entire country...that's really fair. What was the nutjob doing on a North Carolina beach all last week, anyway? Trying to steal our thunder? Whatevs....suck it US Weekly, you just lost both Adams-Hanger '09 subscriptions.
Finally, we have the ultimate fashion faux-pas. A relative, who we'll call Frank, inexplicably wore a BLUE SEERSUCKER SUIT (!!!!) to the wedding. Seriously, to a beach wedding?! Come on! Why not just go the whole way and wear a white lace dress, Frank? Maggie's mom had him killed. True Story. One of the best sunset photos we have is ruined because you can clearly see her pushing Frank's body out of a rowboat into the sound. Then she had every photo of him at the wedding destroyed. Welcome to the family, Trev! I hear there may be one pic of Frank circulating on the interwebs, but it's probably super grainy and looks like something taken from the Cold War era CIA file, or a Loch Ness Monster hoax.
All kidding aside, I can't believe how much fun I had at my own wedding. Like, exponentially more fun than I've ever had at anyone else's. The whole day/weekend/10 days were incredible. Let's just hope my mom wears pants to the next one...