F-Word Friday: Old School

Maggie and I finally had a conversation last night that we’ve been putting off for weeks. It’s a topic that’s been looming over our planning, but we haven’t really been willing to address it because there’s just not much that can be done. And yet, after getting some unfortunate news yesterday that (admittedly) we’d been expecting but hoping wouldn’t come, we can no longer avoid it…

Our wedding is in real danger of becoming, as Maggie so eloquently labeled it last night, a sausagefest.


I don’t know how this happened. I really don’t. Our invite list was full of wives, girlfriends, and even a few optimistic plus-1s. Now, impossibly, the RSVP list reads like a fraternity initiation. At this point, fully 2/3 of “my” half of the guest list is made up of males coming solo. Family members, college buddies, friends from Dallas… no one is immune. At this rate I half expect my mom to tell me she’s sending my stepfather by himself and she and my sisters are going to Canyon Ranch for the weekend instead. And you should hear some of the excuses. “Oh, she has to work…closing a big deal that weekend.” “Oh, she’s graduating from business school.” “Oh, she’ll have just given birth to our second child the week before.” Whatevs.

And as much as this scenario reminds me of some great stories from all the weddings we went to right out of college, it’s not like this is good news for the single ladies coming (holla atcha Beyonce!), because 90% of these guys are married now. I mean, we might as well just tell the DJ to play '80s music all night, hang up some streamers, and have someone spike our $500 fruit punch stand with Malibu, because this has junior high dance written all over it. In fact, let’s scrap our first choice song tournament and just go with “Stairway to Heaven” instead.

So, as a heads up to the other guests, I offer a few thoughts based on past experience. For example, no matter what they tell you, none of my friends:

a) made a ton of money in the early part of the decade and decided that what they really wanted to do with their life was work with animals and as such are now working for free as the assistant penguin feeder at the Bronx Zoo.

b) grew up on the Mississippi River and decided to give up the rat race to pilot a tug boat and/or the Staten Island Ferry.

c) make a living selling couch insurance/work for an ad agency test-marketing positive thinking/are or have ever been a pet psychiatrist.

d) played bass in the mid 90's for the band Deep Blue Something.

If the past is any indication, however, they'll have a pretty nice little Saturday planned...maybe some streaking, most likely through the quad and up to the gymnasium. I don't know... I don't know if there's time.

Anyone else think this is a recipe for disaster?