Shower rant and rave

I don't really understand "bridal showers." (By the way, as I write that I can perfectly imagine my mom and sister reading that sentence and rolling their eyes.)

Here's the deal - there is a shower where presumably folks bring you things from your wedding registry, right? So then, what do they bring to the wedding? And since no one I knowlike subscribes to the theory that it's necessary to have a gathering where women can talk appliances and congratulate the bride-to-be on getting a ring out of some hapless shmuck so that in a few months' time, she can proudly proclaim herself "Mrs. John Doe" and not die of humiliation that she's not going to be single at 25, well... no thanks. That's not me at all. Also, it goes without saying, I really dislike wedding-related shower games.

Now, if we interpret the bridal shower to be purely symbolic, as a tradition of women gathering to support one another in the way that only women can, that's another thing entirely. If the goal of a shower is to, literally, shower love and support and wisdom upon a fellow woman, well why not do just that? A shower where women bring their own advice, lessons, blessings, and funny stories based entirely on their experiences... now that sounds like a true community-building kind of celebration. No toilet paper games necessary. Nothing more than the shared experience of people you care about surrounding you.

This brings to me baby showers, for a couple of reasons.

First, I think baby showers are a fantastic idea for all the reasons I dislike traditional bridal showers. Back in the day, it was a lot more necessary to give basic household goods to someone getting married, as she was likely moving straight out of her parents' house into a house with her husband. And back in the day, now-antiquated gender stereotypes were very much the norm. But these days, we've lived alone and accumulated our own things already. Even more, most of us are already living with the person we'll marry. But having a baby is something else entirely. There are things you need that you never even knew existed. There are tips needed for how to use these things you didn't know existed. Babies are expensive, and getting gifts to help ease that expense is fantastic.

Also, the gender disparity of baby showers is less troubling to me. Women give birth, men do not, simple as that. Although women and men (thankfully) parent equally, gender-specific knowledge has real value in the birthing of the child. With a marriage, women and men enter into marriage equally, as partners. The antiquated setup of "Bride, let us congratulate you!" and "Sorry man, guess it's your time to step up" is why a traditional bridal shower isn't modern or helpful. But with a baby, "here's what you need to feed your baby from your own body" is woman-to-woman advice that is priceless. (I've been to co-ed baby showers, by the way, and love them... I'm merely speculating on why women-only baby showers don't bother me like 1950s-era bridal showers do.)

Baby showers are on my brain because I recently returned from one and am about to attend another. My sister's shower on Saturday will be great fun, will have games (and I'll play them happily just for you, sis!), and will be a fantastic way to spend the afternoon. My friend Mikaela's baby shower a few weeks ago in New Mexico was, very easily, the best shower I've ever attended. Why? In New Mexico, more than any other place I know, there is an openness of expression that enables folks to translate symbolism into active expressions in a way that is completely real and graceful.

Sitting in a circle, we each brought blessings for Mikaela and her baby, and shared them together. These blessings were read or sung by each of us in turn, all women who are a part of Mikaela's life, and the experience was beautiful. There was so much laughter, more than a few happy tears, and lots of hugging. Mikaela opted to have general baby gifts at another setting, so on this night, we each brought baby shoes instead. Is there anything cuter than baby shoes, after all? The significance of that circle will be represented in her baby's birth, too. At the end of the month when Mikaela goes into labor, we're each going to light a candle that we won't blow out until her little one is born.

What was special about that night was the literal blessings that we brought with us. They weren't represented in the shoes, they were represented by our voices, in our words that we read and then presented to be bound into a book. It only took us each doing that in turn, as part of a group, to turn those individual thoughts into a collective moment and a truly meaningful night. Here we are, surrounding our baby shoes:




And back to bridal showers... they're simply not me. My brain gets fuzzy at the incongruities; that's just who I am. But I love parties honoring the couple together (dinners, cookouts, any excuse for a party) or themed showers, like books (I know, nerd alert) or booze ("stock the bar" etc.).

This turned into a long and rambling one... thanks for hanging in there! Tell me, what are your thoughts on showers?

Antiquated Traditions: Old, New, Borrowed, Blue

It's been way too long since I've done one of these! To remind you, I found this great article covering antiquated wedding traditions and I've been responding to each one.

In The Bizarre Origins of 8 Wedding Traditions, Jenn Thompson dissects some of our most tried-and-true American wedding traditions.

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue (and a Sixpence in My Shoe?)

This rhyming phrase neatly lists a number of English customs dating back to the Victorian age which, when worn in combination, should bring the bride oodles of fabulous good luck. The something old was meant to tie the bride to her family and her past, while the something new represented her new life as the property of a new family. The item borrowed was supposed to be taken from someone who was already a successfully married wife, so as to pass on a bit of her good fortune to the new bride. The color blue (Virgin Mary-approved!) stood for all sorts of super fun things like faithfulness, loyalty, and purity. The sixpence, of course, was meant to bring the bride and her new groom actual, cold, hard fortune. Just in case that wasn’t enough, brides of yore also carried bunches of herbs (which most brides now replace with expensive, out-of-season peonies) to ward off evil spirits.

How interesting! Being a pesky feminist and all [:-)], we know how riled up I get about notions of "property." That said, this tradition is harmless and fun, and unlike some other traditions, won't horrify my fabulous single friends.

I have some fun ideas for old. Since my mom's wedding dress was also lace, we talked about clipping a subtle part of the lace and sewing it into my dress. That way, I'm carrying her dress with me. Something new will be my dress and my shoes. Borrowed is tougher... my sister and my cousin both wore the same vintage family necklace for their weddings, but it's not going to work with the neckline of my dress. My sister does have these fantastic diamond earrings that I think might be perfect (and she does fit the "successfully married" requirement) - so I guess I'll just have to wear her diamonds. As for blue? I was a huge fan of these babies, but I much prefer the idea of wearing red shoes. I love the idea of a custom wedding dress label made with blue thread - something simple, just our initials and date... and maybe bordered in lace from my mom's dress? Oh, and a coin?! Sure, why not... but someone else is in charge of remembering that one.

Maybe I can skip carrying herbs if I just use Aveda shampoo that day... close enough, right?

Antiquated Traditions: Giving Away the Bride

In The Bizarre Origins of 8 Wedding Traditions, Jenn Thompson dissects some of our most tried-and-true American wedding traditions.

This one is one of the most personal for me.

Giving Away the Bride
Remember that Women’s Studies class you took in college? Allow us to summarize: All of our society’s gender issues stem from the fact that fathers once used their daughters as currency to a) pay off a debt to a wealthier land owner, b) symbolize a sacrificial, monetary peace offering to an opposing tribe or c) buy their way into a higher social strata. So next time you tear up watching a beaming father walk his little girl down the aisle, remember that it’s just a tiny, barbaric little hold over from the days when daughters were nothing but dollar signs to daddy dearest. And that veil she’s wearing? Yeah, that was so the groom wouldn’t know if he was stuck with an uggo until it was time to kiss the bride and too late to back out on the transaction. (There is also some superstitious B.S. about warding off evil spirits, but we think you’ll agree that hiding a busted grill from the husband-to-be is a more practical purpose.)

So Thompson's tongue-in-cheek description aside, this one is serious for me. First, in full disclosure, I adore my father. We look a lot alike, we think a lot alike, and we act a lot alike. We really do get along famously, and always have. One of my all-time favorite photos is of my sister and my dad walking down the aisle. A picture like that of my dad and me? It'd be a classic.

But when it comes down to it, the symbolism of being "given away" is simply more than I can swallow. My parents are and always have been equal partners - both work, both parent, both clean, both cook (although in fairness, Dad mostly grills while Mom's domain is the kitchen). There is nothing in their partnership that ever suggested to me once growing up that anything they took on together would be anything but a 50/50 split. In fact, during the years when my father had to work out of state and came home only on the weekends, my mom handled everything herself, with her usual take-charge aplomb. Everyone who meets my mom knows in a second that this is a woman who gets things done. Strong women are the standard in my family, on both sides. I also have two fantastic grandmothers who were both known to verbally kick the hell out of my grandfathers from time to time, and fantastic aunts who have raised the smartest, most talented, and most fun girls I can imagine in my cousins.

So the "giving away," then? I just can't go through with it. Even though I know there's not a speck of icky gender politics in our family perspective, it's important to me to make a different statement about family, marriage, and gender than the one that's so often made without thinking. And to be honest, part of the reason the idea of marriage made me nervous in the past was because my parents' marriage was the unattainable model that my relationships always fell short of matching. Until now. Trevor, after all, asked both my parents for "permission" before he proposed. I don't think the concept of just asking my father ever even crossed his mind... it's not who any of us are. So why wouldn't I want both of them with me when I finally do make a lifetime commitment?

Next May, I won't be "given away" by my father. Instead, I'll walk down the aisle with both my parents beside me, one on each arm. To me, it mirrors my parents' relationship, my relationship with them, and my relationship with Trevor. I can't think of anything more personally fitting, actually.

(Oh, and no veil, either. It's another obvious holdover from the days of presentation and barter, and I really don't see the point. Plus, I'll be at the beach, and our wedding will be much too laid-back an affair to deal with a huge, billowy face covering.)

Update: For more thoughts on another bride's decision to walk with both of her parents (which is Jewish tradition, by the way), as well as a great photo from a real wedding using both parents, see A Practical Wedding.

Antiquated Traditions: Garter and Bouquet Toss

In The Bizarre Origins of 8 Wedding Traditions, Jenn Thompson dissects some of our most tried-and-true American wedding traditions.

This one is truly - and appropriately - horrifying.

Garter and Bouquet Toss

This pair of rituals has long been the scourge of the modern wedding guest. What could possibly be more humiliating than being forced out to the center of a parquet dance floor while a wedding DJ advertises your lack of a boyfriend and then being expected to further demonstrate your desperation by diving for flying flowers? Wait…. Yup, we can top that. How about grasping in the air for a lacy piece of undergarment that until moments ago resided uncomfortably close to the crotch of your buddy’s wife? At any other point in time, that would make you a total perv, so why is it acceptable at a wedding? Well, hold on to your scruples boys and girls, because the history behind these customs is downright dirty.

It used to be that after the bride and groom said, “I do,” they were to go immediately into a nearby room and “close the deal” and consummate the marriage. Obviously, to really make it official, there would need to be witnesses, which basically led to hordes of wedding guests crowding around the bed, pushing and shoving to get a good view and hopefully to get their hands on a lucky piece of the bride’s dress as it was ripped from her body. Sometimes the greedy guests helped get the process going by grabbing at the bride’s dress as she walked by, hoping for a few threads of good fortune. In time, it seems, people realized that this was all a bit, well… creepy, and it was decided that for modesty’s sake the bride could toss her bouquet as a diversion as she made her getaway and the groom could simply remove an item of the bride’s undergarments and then toss it back outside to the waiting throngs to prove that he was about to, uh, get ‘er done.

In short... HELL NO. Although I must give props to my oldest friend in the world Allie, who not only led a bouquet toss at her wedding but called out on the mike, "Young feminists to the dancefloor!" before doing so. I love you, Allie. :-)

At our deal, no bouquet or garter tosses whatsoever. No implications that anyone should be desperate to get married, or ever get married if they're not inclined. No massive eye-rolling among my girlfriends. None of our single guy friends/Trevor's young cousins symbolically putting their heads up my dress. Any questions?

Antiquated Traditions: The White Wedding Dress

In The Bizarre Origins of 8 Wedding Traditions, Jenn Thompson dissects some of our most tried-and-true American wedding traditions.

The White Wedding Dress
...there was a time when a bride’s wedding attire was simply the best thing in her closet (talk about “off the rack”), and could be any color, even black. To convince her groom that she came from a wealthy family, brides would also pile on layers of fur, silk and velvet, as apparently grooms didn’t care if his wife-to-be reeked of sweaty B.O. as long as she was loaded. It was dear ol’ Queen Victoria (whose reign lasted from 1837-1901) who made white fashionable. She wore a pale gown trimmed in orange blossoms for her 1840 wedding to her first cousin, Prince Albert.

How interesting that our interpretation of white as a chaste, virginal color isn't even part of the tradition's conception. I'd venture a guess that most people make that association; I certainly did. I hated the idea of wearing the traditional "chaste" color while so obviously not being chaste myself (sorry, Mom). But when it came down to it, I decided to wear white for the following reasons:

• When else am I going to wear a white dress?

• Sometimes I can be strangely old-fashioned. Maybe this is one of those times.

• Great photos

• Not having to defend the decision on our wedding day

As for white v. ivory, white feels beachier and more outdoorsy than ivory, and looks better with a light suit.

Trevor actually loved the idea of me wearing a short, flirty dress ("you have the stems for it"), but that damn old-fashionedness is coming into play again with the length... And to be honest, I think of huge dresses as being more antiquated than those that are white or just long. My dress will be decidedly fitted, and I think I've even managed to keep the cleavage in check!

As for being draped in furs and gold? Trevor already knows that I don't have any money. ;-)